the flower field

I'm almost 100% writing this to procrastinate writing my fic, y'know how it goes. Today actually hasn't been as dreadfully, disgustingly hot as yesterday, but I'm still feeling that summer lethargy. That's probably also the lingering sickness, also maybe my brother getting back at 2am and then waking up at 9am. I do like that I'm getting up before noon. I'm usually the first one awake, and the TV isn't on and I'll sit down and read a couple poems, and try not to look at my phone first thong. Today I did, though, ended up on twitter for a while before finally deciding to watch the new To be hero x episode (and though tbhx is a donghua, that reminds me that I wanna do a round up of this anime season, but I've got to actually finish up the seasonals I'm watching first). 

Still, something about the morning phone time, plus the other mentioned factors, has left me feeling sluggish. I took up my usual position on the balcony and read a couple poems (less than I'd like) and then tried to get through a chapter of Cameron Post, but the focus wasn't there, so I napped a bit instead, just giving into the tiredness. I've made some tea, though I'm not sure my head feels clear enough to write right now. Like a lot of people, I'm sure, I default to reaching for and scrolling on my phone--but rarely if ever is it for the most demonised form of content, e.g tiktok, reels. And okay, small win that I'm not enraptured by short form videos, but I still find myself compulsively searching for...something. I still find myself queuing up five to ten videos and watching them on 1.5x speed, or scouring  reddit for some answer to a thought or feeling or whatever. I don't have twitter downloaded but I am still logged in on my browser, so I'll scroll and scroll and it's not all bad. None of it is all bad at all actually. I feel particularly defensive about that, maybe because fandom has been such an important presence in my life, oftentimes a coping mechanism, one of the better ones. But I can't deny that the compulsive feeling of switching between apps, searching, searching makes me feel kind of bad, and also...I wonder what it is I'm looking for? 

I journaled about this the other day too, but I'm thinking about it again. Sometimes I think it's that I hope I'm a scroll away from an epiphany. Or a scroll away from a reflection, a sense of understanding. I'm not the loneliest I've ever been, but there's always Something I'm trying to articulate within myself, that others around me aren't privy to, and then I take to the internet, looking for that assurance. Looking for something outside of me to change something within me. I don't know--am I getting too abstract? I'm still sleepy, so just consider this the like, three-quarters conscious ramblings of bloomingsite. 

other tings: I'd like to think of a better journal title, but I guess it'll come eventually. I ordered a bunch of new pens because I was getting so tired of my pens dying on me. It's a wonder I didn't think I was autistic when I get so much comfort from thinking, oh and today I'll wake up and do exactly as I did yesterday, and how plans feel like a wrench in my sacred schedule. I rewatched Lilo and Stitch, recently, and it was so very nostalgic, and warm feeling. 

<3

after a couple days of lurking/exploring/getting to grips with dw, i thought i would try my hand at posting something (other than my exchange letter!)


a bit about me 

i'm ness, aka bloomingsite (on ao3 and now here). i've just finished up my final year of uni for creative writing and eng lit, i'm in my 20's. i like to write (fan fics and og stuff-- i sort of swing back and forth between the two. original stuff encompasses a handful of unfinished novels, short stories and poetry. i also like to journal). i like to read, though don't ask me how much i've read this year, okay, it's been a hectic last semester. i'm a lesbian and maybe ace but i'm sort of just ignoring that for the moment. i'm also autistic!

i think dreamwidth appeals to me because as of late, social media has been stressing me out. i think the fast pace can be kind of overwhelming for me, and though i DO enjoy many aspects of it, and it's not like i'm jumping ship from the other sites i frequent (yet), i felt like a change of pace was necessary. it's hard to describe, but recently i've really wanted to share my thoughts on things and be a more active participant online, antithetical to the reblog/retweet culture of tumblr/twt. of ocurse, i know i CAN share my thoughts there, many other people do, but i have this weird anxiety/hang up about it. on tumblr i get in my head about whether i should share on my main or one of my sideblogs, if i sound silly, what my mutuals will think, if it's a thought that is 'worth' posting, if this is the 'right' thing to post. on twitter i worry i'm not funny or interesting enough, etc. i feel too perceived and Aware of my potential audience, and it's stifling. 

because of this, i find myself not posting much, but i want to! dw seems cosy and like i'll be able to more freely write, without the anxiety demons in my head stopping me from doing so. that's why i'm here, giving this a try :)

things i may post + interests 

now, this is subject to change, but for the moment i'll try to outline things i will probably talk about on here! first of all, (fic) writing! i may touch on original stuff, but honestly this summer, after Just finishing up my undergrad, i want to write self indulgently and for pure love of the game. entries will likely include wip updates and ramblings, maybe half formed ideas that i dump in my notes app. could post ficlets and drabbles on here, too (i would be crossposting those, since they already go up on ao3 and sometimes my lc tumblr sideblog). i also kind of want to write more honestly about simply being a writer, and the insecurities i frequently come up against, especially in a fandom context. adjacent to that, i'd like to be able to write about things that influence and inspire me, and be able to at least semi-coherently articulate what sticks with me and why -- whether that is in the form of reviews, metas, a stream of consciousness, whatever (maybe more of a media log??). lastly, i think i will touch on personal things, a bit -- little updates, things that make me happy, maybe things that make me sad. musings on queerness, identity, lesbianism and so on may be featured on here !

onto interests: i simultaneously feel like i've only ever had one interest ever and like i have way too many and i just can't remember them all. lmao. my main fandom at the moment is link click (lc) ! i've been hyperfixating on it for nearly a year now; i've gone to a cupsleeve event, i've bought way too much merch, it consumes a good 70% of my brainspace, you get it. i got into lc before yingdu chapter aired, and initially the autism latched onto shiguang. but, then vein and xia fei appeared...yeah so a lot of my entries on here will probably be mentioning veifei/veinfei in some capacity. they are also who i Mainly write fics for at the moment (i am a very one fandom at a time writer). i could honestly talk about link click all day, or even just veifei all day. 

other interests i'm (slightly) less intense about: anime (i try to keep up on seasonals + watching older shows of the genres/niches that interest me, like mahoushoujo + yes i do love ghibli). some faves include sk8 the infinity (i was insane about renga), kira kira precure a la mode, bloom into you, madoka magica, a place further than the universe, healer girl (has anyone even watched this one lol), run with the wind, insomniacs after school. i enjoy slice of life, character drama, beautiful animation, things that make me cry, romance, queer subtext, etc.

manga: yuri manga, including both ongoing stuff and then some finished stuff e.g kase san, love bullet, green yuri, general faves include our dreams at dusk, kemutai hanashi (god please read this one), the summer hikaru died, yokohama shopping log. admittedly, i haven't read a whole lot of manga in the grand scheme of things because i probs get derailed by my all consuming fandom fixations but i'd really like to read some more shoujosei.

in general i enjoy yuri/gl outside of animanga too, namely baihe novels like JWQS and FGEP! alongside that, i've enjoyed damnei/bl such as mxtx's MDZS and TGCF, and should really get around to reading some bl manga too. i like to read literary fiction, queer fiction, and fiction with beautiful prose (and i like to read poetry, sometimes, too!) Some favourites: giovanni's room, the picture of dorian grey, boy parts, swimming in the dark, the miseducation of cameron post, beloved, this is how you lose the time war.

edit: other misc interests--singing, ukulele, song writing, vtubers, butch femme history/subculture, kink/bdsm(in a fandom context yes, but also a genuine interest in it as a subculture/activity/identity ?) <- i don't think some of my content will be appropriate for minors for this reason, please tread carefully.