the flower field

I'm almost 100% writing this to procrastinate writing my fic, y'know how it goes. Today actually hasn't been as dreadfully, disgustingly hot as yesterday, but I'm still feeling that summer lethargy. That's probably also the lingering sickness, also maybe my brother getting back at 2am and then waking up at 9am. I do like that I'm getting up before noon. I'm usually the first one awake, and the TV isn't on and I'll sit down and read a couple poems, and try not to look at my phone first thong. Today I did, though, ended up on twitter for a while before finally deciding to watch the new To be hero x episode (and though tbhx is a donghua, that reminds me that I wanna do a round up of this anime season, but I've got to actually finish up the seasonals I'm watching first). 

Still, something about the morning phone time, plus the other mentioned factors, has left me feeling sluggish. I took up my usual position on the balcony and read a couple poems (less than I'd like) and then tried to get through a chapter of Cameron Post, but the focus wasn't there, so I napped a bit instead, just giving into the tiredness. I've made some tea, though I'm not sure my head feels clear enough to write right now. Like a lot of people, I'm sure, I default to reaching for and scrolling on my phone--but rarely if ever is it for the most demonised form of content, e.g tiktok, reels. And okay, small win that I'm not enraptured by short form videos, but I still find myself compulsively searching for...something. I still find myself queuing up five to ten videos and watching them on 1.5x speed, or scouring  reddit for some answer to a thought or feeling or whatever. I don't have twitter downloaded but I am still logged in on my browser, so I'll scroll and scroll and it's not all bad. None of it is all bad at all actually. I feel particularly defensive about that, maybe because fandom has been such an important presence in my life, oftentimes a coping mechanism, one of the better ones. But I can't deny that the compulsive feeling of switching between apps, searching, searching makes me feel kind of bad, and also...I wonder what it is I'm looking for? 

I journaled about this the other day too, but I'm thinking about it again. Sometimes I think it's that I hope I'm a scroll away from an epiphany. Or a scroll away from a reflection, a sense of understanding. I'm not the loneliest I've ever been, but there's always Something I'm trying to articulate within myself, that others around me aren't privy to, and then I take to the internet, looking for that assurance. Looking for something outside of me to change something within me. I don't know--am I getting too abstract? I'm still sleepy, so just consider this the like, three-quarters conscious ramblings of bloomingsite. 

other tings: I'd like to think of a better journal title, but I guess it'll come eventually. I ordered a bunch of new pens because I was getting so tired of my pens dying on me. It's a wonder I didn't think I was autistic when I get so much comfort from thinking, oh and today I'll wake up and do exactly as I did yesterday, and how plans feel like a wrench in my sacred schedule. I rewatched Lilo and Stitch, recently, and it was so very nostalgic, and warm feeling. 

<3

yesterday morning i was Completely fine, but halfway through the day started sneezing and chalked it up to allergies. fast forward to the evening, and the sneezing hasn't stopped. plus i started feeling head achey, i think. that and the heat was killer--in retrospect, maybe i was feverish? anyway, i watched some anime (mainly caught up on apocalypse hotel) and then had the WORST sleep. like wow. 

silver lining was waking up at five and watching the sunrise, but my throat was in excruciating pain (i say excruciating, but i am just really sensitive to pain). the timing is honestly a little cruel--i had plans today, and on saturday too :( today i've been dozing off on the sofa and watching youtube videos and not much else. my brain feels sluggish and i didn't have the energy to write or even read, anything requiring some brain power tbh. hilariously, as i was in the throes of pain last night i self soothed by imagining vein getting sick (because i need to put vein and not just xia fei in situations LMAO. hypocritical seeing as next on the wip queue is veifei vampire fic, with a sick!xf. but anyway). i might continue playing love curse, maybe try nyx's route finally, since that's not too high energy. having said that, it's also getting late, and i think my brother said we could watch a movie. 

i am so grateful for my mum, though, cos even though i know she's in pain (had a fall and fractured her ankle) she made me fish soup and pasta, and some lemon and ginger tea. if i had gotten this sick back at uni i probably would have been way more depressed, and taken longer to feel better too. 

hoping and praying and wishing on a star, whatever really, that i get a good night's sleep and wake up Not feeling like death tomorrow. 

<3